


Circulus Vitiosus

by TwilightKnight17



Series: How to Kill a God [2]
Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Gen, P5R Spoilers, Palace Deadline Ending, using the Thieves Den for fun and headcanon!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26486923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightKnight17/pseuds/TwilightKnight17
Summary: Akira just needs a little time to think.
Series: How to Kill a God [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967740
Comments: 11
Kudos: 84





	Circulus Vitiosus

**Author's Note:**

> You can pry my headcanons about cognitive spaces from my cold, dead hands. ^_^

There was still time to think.

He’d given Maruki the calling card; they could head directly into the Palace at any time. Once he’d had time to ensure that he was making the right decision.

He just needed to clear his head.

He couldn’t worry his friends; they were counting on him, and he wasn’t sure if they would understand the choice he was facing. 

He fiddled with the music player off to one side, flipping through his options until he settled on the soft jazz song that he’d heard at Jazz Jin with Goro. It was relaxing, and he really needed that right now. With Maruki’s final revelation, he hated to admit it, but his resolve had been thrown into question. And he knew Goro was angry with him for it, but this wasn’t an easy choice, no matter what he’d said.

The last messages they’d exchanged had been Goro threatening to go into the Palace alone. And that was when Akira had settled in to think. He had to figure this out, before Goro did something stupid.

_I’ve done something stupid._

The soft neon of Crossroads beckoned to him, and he crossed the colored platforms with lazy strides. As he made his way past some of his confidants chatting around one of the statues, he caught a glimpse of something black and blue, glowing faintly in the corner of his vision. It didn’t fit with the rest of the atmosphere, and a strange sort of apprehension filled his stomach as he tried to look over at it. But once he’d turned, nothing was there.

Strange. Why did he feel anxious? This was the safest place he could be.

He took a spot at the Crossroads counter, batting his eyes at the cognition of Lala that bustled into existence.

“You’re not getting a real mojito, no matter what faces you make,” Lala scolded him with a smile. “Your detective on your mind, hun?”

Akira accepted the alcohol-free drink she passed him; it would still taste good even if it wasn’t real. “He’s not mine, you know.”

**He could be, in time.**

“Of course I know. But you do think about him a lot,” Lala laughed. “You’re so hung up on that boy.”

“He’s important to me.” Akira glanced over his shoulder at the statue of the massive slot machine from the Casino. What an absurd memory. “And this is hard.”

He wheezed as someone landed on him from behind, and Ann’s hair swept into his peripheral vision. “Of course it is,” she chirped in his ear. “You just got him back, and now he might disappear. We all know what that’s like.”

“You do…” Akira leaned back against her. They had all lost something. Shiho, Wakaba, Madarame, President Okumura, Mr. Niijima, the track team… Everyone had given something up in order to return to their true reality.

“That’s not _exactly_ right, though,” Futaba said from a stool on his other side. She kicked her feet back and forth, resting her head on her folded arms on top of the bar. “We didn’t really _consciously_ make a decision. We just sort of realized something was wrong, and then reality broke on its own. I...didn’t actually pick between staying in the fake world and letting my mom die again. You have to pick.”

And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it? Having to consciously make a choice? Akira knew what the right choice was, in theory, but knowingly letting someone die? He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Phantom Thieves didn’t kill, and letting Goro die again...that would basically be killing him.

Would forcing him to stay kill him just the same?

_I didn’t want to choose._

“You should talk to him,” Lala said.

Akira looked over at the slot machine again, where Goro was looking up at it absently. “I already know what he’ll say. The real one was very clear, and I can’t picture him admitting that he doesn’t want to die, so the one here is just going to repeat what the real one said.”

“Still can’t hurt,” Ann said. “Go on, take your drink, take him a drink… Figure out how to say goodbye, at least.”

“...yeah.” As Lala set another mojito on the bar, Akira scooped up both, weaving across the platforms towards where Goro was lingering. He ignored another flicker of glowing blue in his peripheral vision and pressed one of the drinks into Goro’s hand, making him look up with a raised eyebrow.

“Don’t you have something better to do than talking to me?” he asked.

**Of course not.**

Akira smiled. That was Goro. He leaned against the slot machine, not breaking eye contact. “Not right now. You have all of my focus.”

“Maruki should have all of your focus,” Goro huffed. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“It’s you,” Akira said. “You’re important to me.”

Goro scowled at him, then turned away. “You have terrible taste. But a good eye for detail, I suppose.” He took a sip of his drink, shoulders stiff.

It was a compliment, sort of. And it made Akira wonder. The Goro that had returned was just like his old self, the real one they had seen in the engine room, or that Akira had seen on quiet outings when Goro let his mask slip a little. He was witty and biting and determined. If he really had been born from a wish, if Maruki had made him to fulfill what Akira wanted in this reality, wouldn’t he have made him less combative? It seemed counterintuitive to breathe life into a creation that wanted to destroy you. Unless Akira’s wish had somehow been that specific.

_I wish, I wish, with all my heart, that he survived, so he can live as his real self._

He wasn’t sure he could take the risk, though. The vast majority of the evidence pointed towards Goro dying when reality reverted. And Akira was so afraid of losing him. Of leaving him to die, again. But the idea of being trapped under Maruki’s control forever…

“It’s not a choice,” Goro said, and he was looking at Akira again. “I am not worth the whole world. And you can’t have both.”

“I know that,” Akira sighed. “But don’t pretend this is easy for me.”

“I know it’s not easy. But you have to do the right thing.”

**Is it the right thing?**

“The right thing for the world might not be the right thing for me. I never ask for anything for myself. You know that.” Akira never broke eye contact. “And the one time I do, the one time I finally make a selfish wish, having it granted means ruining reality. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you would never forgive me for putting my wish over the world, when you put your goals over everything else for years.”

Goro’s eyes were bright, and a small smile curled his lips. “Yes, I would never forgive you. But I’m not the only one. You understand, of course.”

“I would never forgive myself,” Akira sighed. He was going to end up never forgiving himself either way, at this rate. He couldn’t even ask Maruki to change him, to make him forget, if he chose Goro over the world. “...no matter what I do, it’s going to hurt.”

“One pain will heal. One will not,” Goro said primly, and took another sip of his drink. “You know what you need to do, fearless leader.”

The world blurred, for just a moment.

_Yours didn’t heal, for years and years. Pain can change people._

_What will I become, if I make this choice?_

_I’m afraid._

**_You don’t have to be afraid._ **

Akira lifted his own glass, still half-full, and downed the rest of his mojito in one go. Goro just watched him, one eyebrow arched, and Akira took a step back. “I need to… I need to walk around.”

He left the slot machine’s platform, heading quickly across one of the walkways until he almost walked face-first into the hovering statue of Robin Hood. The persona towered over him, a heroic figure, and Akira took a shaky breath.

He knew what the right answer was. He just… He just...

Halfway across another walkway, something grabbed him from behind.

Akira yelped, flailing as he was tugged backwards. He stumbled towards the edge of the walkway, but somehow didn’t fall. Something caught him, holding him up, wrapping around his arms, and his eyes widened at the black tendrils lined with glowing blue that held his limbs.

“Wh— Stop! Let go of me!” He strained against his bonds, and unbidden, an image came to mind. A familiar room in the school, a pitying stare, tendrils surrounding him…

_He’ll die._

_He’ll die and it will be my fault again._

**How could he ask for that?**

**Relax, and think it through.**

**There’s still time.**

Akira grumbled, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. Why had he laid down in the middle of the walkway? It offered a very good view of the colored galaxies through the skylight… Yusuke must have convinced him to try it, and he’d dozed off. This really wasn’t the time for that, although...

There was still time to think.

He’d given Maruki the calling card; they could head directly into the Palace at any time. Once he’d had time to ensure that he was making the right decision.

He just needed to clear his head.

_How long have I been trying to clear my head?_

He couldn’t worry his friends; they were counting on him, and he wasn’t sure if they would understand the choice he was facing. 

He fiddled with the music player off to one side, flipping through his options until he settled on the soft jazz song that he’d heard at Jazz Jin with Goro. It was relaxing, and he really needed that right now. With Maruki’s final revelation, he hated to admit it, but his resolve had been thrown into question. And he knew Goro was angry with him for it, but this wasn’t an easy choice, no matter what he’d said.

The last messages they’d exchanged had been Goro threatening to go into the Palace alone. And that was when Akira had settled in to think. He had to figure this out, before Goro did something stupid.

_What have I done?_


End file.
